Quotes from "Death in Heaven" (Part 2)

The Doctor: I had a friend once. We ran together when I was little. And I thought we were the same. When we grew up, we weren't. And now she's trying to tear the world apart and I can't run fast enough to hold it together. The difference... is this. Pain is a gift. Without the capacity for pain, we can't feel the hurt we inflict.
Danny: Are you telling me, seriously, for real that you can?
The Doctor: Of course I can.
Danny: Then shame on you, Doctor.
The Doctor: Yes. Oh, yes.

The Doctor: I am not a good man! And I'm not a bad man. I am not a hero. I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. You know what I am? I... am... an idiot. With a box and a screwdriver, passing through, helping out, learning. I don't need an army, I never have. Because I've got them. (points at Clara and Cyber-Danny) Always them. Because love, it's not an emotion. Love is a promise. And he will never hurt her.

Danny: Attention! This is not a good day. This is Earth's darkest hour. And look at you miserable lot. We are the fallen. But today we shall rise. The army of the dead will save the land of the living. This is not the order of a general. Nor the whim of a lunatic...
Missy: Excuse me?
Danny: This is a promise. The promise of a soldier!

Clara: Why don't you like hugging, Doctor?
The Doctor: Never trust a hug. It's just a way to hide your face.

Clara: Doctor. Traveling with you made me feel really special. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me feel special.
The Doctor: Thank you for exactly the same.

Quotes from "Death in Heaven" (Part 1)

Kate Stewart: So now that I have your attention, welcome to the only planet in the universe where we get to say this: he's on the payroll.
The Doctor: Am I?
Kate Stewart: Technically.
The Doctor: How much?
Kate Stewart: Shush.

Colonel Ahmed: Sir. (salutes)
The Doctor: Oh, don't do that. You look like you're self-concussing. Which would explain all of military history, now I think about it.

The Doctor: You know where it is.
Missy: Yep. You know the best part about knowing? Not telling you.

Osgood: Who is she?
The Doctor: You'd never believe me if I told you.
Osgood: Because I thought she might be the Master, regenerated into female form. Your childhood friend, responsible for a number of previous incursions.
The Doctor: That was very quick.
Osgood: We have files on all our Prime Ministers. She wasn't even the worst.

Missy: Kill some Belgians. Might as well. They're not even French.

Quotes from "Dark Water"

Clara: I love you.
Danny: I love you.
Clara: No, not like that. Not like it's automatic. Not like it's how you end the phone call, the sign off, the pat on the back.
Danny: Clara...
Clara: Danny, I'll never say those words again. Not to anybody else, ever. Those words, from me, are yours now.

Clara: A volcano.
The Doctor: I'm sorry?
Clara: I've never seen an active volcano. Do you know one?
The Doctor: What's so great about seeing a volcano? It's just a sort of leaky mountain.

Clara: You're going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Clara: Because of what I just did. I just...
The Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference? Stop it with the eyes. Don't do that with the eyes. How do you do that anyway? It's like they inflate. Cut out the whining while you're at it. We've got work to do. This is it, Clara, one of those moments.
Clara: What moments?
The Doctor: The darkest day. The blackest hour. Chin up, shoulders back, let's see what we're made of. You and I.

Clara: Doctor...
The Doctor: We're in a hurry.
Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.
The Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.

Dr. Chang: So, hey. Condolences.
Clara: Condolences?
Dr. Chang: It's a mausoleum. It's our hello. Is there a particular dead person you want to talk to?

Danny: You have wi-fi here?
Seb: Hmm?
Danny: You have iPads in the afterlife.
Seb: iPads. We have Steve Jobs.

Dr Chang: Are you going to kill me?
Missy: Now, come on. Let's not dwell on horrid things. This is going to be our last conversation and I'm the one who's going to have to live with that.

The Doctor: You're a Time Lord.
Missy: Time Lady, please. I'm... old-fashioned.

Quotes from "In the Forest of the Night"

The Doctor: Miss Oswald? Dark hair? Highly unpredictable? Surprisingly round face?

The Doctor: I found her wandering around the brand new forest.
Clara: Brand new forest?
The Doctor: Yes. It's like the new forest, except even newer.

Clara: Everyone, this is the Doctor and he's going to sort everything out. Isn't that right, Doctor? That's what he does.
The Doctor: Well, having looked at things, I think probably the answer to that is "no."
Clara: He always says that, he's really clever.
The Doctor: Oh, yes I am. Very clever. But what use is clever against trees? They don't listen to reason, you can't plead with them, you can't lie to them. There's no moving parts or circuits. This is a natural event.

Clara: This is really going to happen, isn't it?
The Doctor: Stars implode, planets grow cold. Catastrophe is the metabolism of the universe. I can fight monsters, I can't fight physics.
Clara: Why would trees want to kill us? We love trees.
The Doctor: You've been chopping them down for furniture for centuries. If that's love, no wonder they called down fire from the heavens.

The Doctor: I am Doctor Idiot!

The Doctor: The human superpower, forgetting. If you could remember how things felt, you'd have stopped having wars. And stopped having babies.

Quotes from "Flatline" (Part 2)

The Doctor: Congratulations, lying is a vital survival skill.
Clara: Well, there you go.
The Doctor: And a terrible habit.

The Doctor: So what's next, Doctor Clara?
Clara: Lie to them.
The Doctor: What?
Clara: Lie to them. Give them hope. Tell them they're all going to be fine. Isn't that what you would do?
The Doctor: In a manner of speaking. It's--it's true that people with hope tend to run faster, whereas people who think they're doomed...
Clara: Dawdle. End up dead.
The Doctor: So that's what I sound like.

Clara: Rule number one of being the Doctor: use your enemy's power against them.

The Doctor: I tried to talk, I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you. But I think that you understand us perfectly. And I think that you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate, or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play, so it seems that I must play mine. The man who stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am the Doctor, and I name you the Boneless!

The Doctor: Ah, the return of the fluorescent pudding brain.
Clara: Do you realize he can hear you now?
The Doctor: I know.

Clara: Come on, why can't you say it? I was the Doctor and I was good.
The Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.
Clara: Thank you.
The Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.

Quotes from "Flatline" (Part 1)

The Doctor: Okay. Uh, same time you left, same place... ish.
Clara: "Ish"? Don't give me an "ish."
The Doctor: These readings are very, uh... ish-y

The Doctor: Impressive.
Clara: No, not impressive. Annoying.
The Doctor: No, this is impressive. (points at Clara) This is annoying. The TARDIS never does this. This is huge! Well, not literally huge. Slightly smaller than usual. Which is huge.
Clara: Yes, I get it, you're excited. When can I go home?

The Doctor: Could you not just let me enjoy this moment of not knowing something? It happens so rarely. 

Clara: I'm, umm... I'm the Doctor.
The Doctor: Don't you dare.
Clara: Doctor Oswald. But you can call me Clara.
Rigsy: I'm Rigsy. So, uh, what are you a doctor of?
The Doctor: Of lies.
Clara: Well, I'm usually quite vague about that. I think I just picked the title because it makes me sound important.
The Doctor: Why, Doctor Oswald, you are hilarious.

Clara: Oh, sorry, I'm talking to someone else who's listening in. Doctor, Rigsy. Rigsy, Doctor.
The Doctor: Hello, barely sentient local.

The Doctor: This explains everything. Their from a universe with only two dimensions. And yes, that is a thing! It's long been theorized, of course, but no one could go there and prove its existence without a heck of a diet.

Quotes from "Mummy on the Orient Express"

The Doctor: Your train awaits, my lady.
Clara: Wonderful.
The Doctor: The baggage car. Thanks for lying.

The Doctor: You're doing it again.
Clara: Doing what?
The Doctor: The smile.
Clara: Yeah, I'm smiling.
The Doctor: Yes, the sad smile. It's a smile, but you're sad. It's confusing, it's like two emotions at once. It's like you're malfunctioning.
Clara: Sorry.

The Doctor: And there's that smile again.I don't even know how you keep track.
Clara: I really thought I hated you, you know.
The Doctor: Well, thank God you kept that to yourself.

Captain Quell: So, what are you a doctor of?
The Doctor: Now, there's a question that's never asked often enough. Let's say... intestinal parasites.

The Doctor: It might be nothing. Old ladies die all the time. It's practically their job description.

Perkins: Perkins. Chief engineer.
The Doctor: The Doctor. Nosy parker.

Maisie: Do you know what you're doing?
Clara: Nope. But I do need to be slightly more skilled than a high-heeled shoe.

Maisie: Life would be so much simpler if you liked the right people. People you're supposed to like. But then I guess there'd be no fairy tales.

Professor Moorhouse: I don't know what you want me to tell you!
The Doctor: Listen to me. You can see this thing, we can't. Tell us what you can see. Even the smallest detail might help us save the next one.
Professor Moorhouse: The next one? You mean, you can't save me?
The Doctor: Well, that is implied, isn't it? Yes, this is probably the end for you. But make it count! Details, please.

Perkins: A man just died in front of us. Can we not just have a moment?
The Doctor: No, no, no. We can't do that. We can't mourn. People with guns to their heads, they cannot mourn. We do not have time to mourn.

Perkins: You know, Doctor, I can't tell if you're a genius or just incredibly arrogant.
The Doctor: Well, on a good day I'm both.

The Doctor: You, sir, are a genius! This explains everything. Apart from what it is and how it's doing it. Sorry, I jumped the gun with the "you're a genius, it explains everything" remark.

The Doctor: I'm so pleased to finally see you. I'm the Doctor and I will be your victim for this evening. Are you my mummy?

The Doctor: Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.

Quotes from "Kill the Moon"

Clara: We have a terrible decision to make. It's an uncertain decision, and we don't have a lot of time. The man who normally helps--he's gone. Maybe he's not coming back. In fact, I really don't think he is. We're on our own... 

The Doctor: Because I don't like people being sick in my TARDIS. No being sick, no hanky-panky.
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: Sorry, that's the rules.

Clara: Doctor, this is dangerous now.
The Doctor: It was dangerous before. Everything's dangerous if you want it to be. Eating chips is dangerous. Crossing the road. It's no way to live your life. Tell her, you're supposed to be teaching her.

The Doctor: Clara, there are some moments in time that I simply can't see. Little eye-blinks. They don't look the same as other things. They're not clear. They're fuzzy. They're gray. Little moments in which big things are decided. And this is one of them.

Clara: Doctor, what is it?
The Doctor: I think that it's unique. I think that's... the only one of its kind in the universe. I think that is... utterly beautiful. 

Clara: Tell me what you knew, Doctor, or else I’ll smack you so hard you’ll regenerate.

Clara: You walk our earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend and that is your moon, too, and you can damn well help us when we need it.
The Doctor: I was helping.
Clara: What? By clearing off?
The Doctor: Yes.
Clara: Well, clear off! Go on, you can clear off, get back in your lonely... your lonely, bloody TARDIS and you don't come back.

Quotes from "The Caretaker" (Part 2)

The Doctor: Oh, listen, there's the bell, off you go. Haven't you got shoplifting to do?
Courtney Woods: I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
The Doctor: Oh, yes, well, fine. Cut along, you're running out of time.
Courtney Woods: For what?
The Doctor: Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic. Tick tock, tick tock.
Courtney Woods: You're weird.
The Doctor: Yes, I am. What about you?
Courtney Woods: I'm a disruptive influence.
The Doctor: Good to meet you.
Courtney Woods: And you.
The Doctor: Now get lost.
Courtney Woods: Okay.

The Doctor: Now, I imagine you've many questions. Fire away, I won't answer any of them.

The Doctor: Why do I keep you around?
Clara: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.

Clara: You're invisible. Oh, my God, that's incredible!
The Doctor: Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible.

The Doctor: I'll see you tomorrow. We'll go somewhere nice. Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis. They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence.

Danny: How stupid do you think I am?
The Doctor: I'm willing to put a number on it.

Danny: He's...your dad. Your space dad.
The Doctor: Oh...genius. That is really, really brilliant reasoning. How can you think I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age?
Clara: We do not look the same age.
The Doctor: I was being kind.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.
The Doctor: I am not an officer!
Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.
The Doctor: Out. Now.
Danny: Right away, sir? Straight now?
The Doctor: Yes.
Danny: Am I dismissed?
The Doctor: Yes, you are!
Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.

Danny: You're using her like a decoy?
The Doctor: No, not like a decoy. As a decoy. Don't they teach you anything at stupid school?
Danny: Well, is there anything I can do?
The Doctor: Yes, yes, and this is very, very important. Leave us alone!

Quotes from "The Caretaker" (Part 1)

Clara: There's no way out of this. We're gonna die here.
The Doctor: Pass me the vibrocutters.
Clara: They're in my pocket.
The Doctor: Come on, then, pass it to me.
Clara: In my other jacket. At home.
The Doctor: Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?
Clara: Look, I don't have the vibrocutters. If I had the vibrocutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibrocutters. We're going to starve to death out here.
The Doctor: Of course we won't starve. The sand piranhas will get us long before that.

Clara: So, where we off to?
The Doctor: Clara, you... look lovely today. Have you had a wash?
Clara: Why you being nice?
The Doctor: Because it works on you.

Clara: You're being mysterious, and do you know what that means?
The Doctor: I'm a man of mystery.
Clara: Hmm. It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid. Where are you going?
The Doctor: Undercover. Deep cover.
Clara: Can you do deep cover?
The Doctor: What do you mean?
Clara: Have you seen you?
The Doctor: Of course I can do deep cover!
Clara: Where? The Magic Circle?

Clara: You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
The Doctor: I lived among otters once for a month. Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight...
Clara: Human beings are not otters!
The Doctor: Exactly, it'll be even easier.

The Doctor: Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
Clara: This is Mr Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
The Doctor: Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time. She was so busy...
Clara: Oh, I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
The Doctor: No, I read the book. There's a bio in the back.

The Doctor: Can't you read?
Courtney Woods: Course I can read. Read what?
The Doctor: The door. It says, "Keep Out."
Courtney Woods: No, it says, "Go Away Humans."
The Doctor: Oh, so it does. Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.

Quotes from "Time Heist"

Clara: As you can see, I got plans.
The Doctor: Have you?
Clara: Look at me.
The Doctor: Yeah, okay.
Clara: No no no. No. Look at me.
The Doctor: Yep, looking.
Clara: Seriously?
The Doctor: Why is your face all colored in?

The Doctor: Are you taller?
Clara: Heels.
The Doctor: What, do you have to reach a high shelf?
Clara: Right, got to go, going to be late.
The Doctor: For a shelf?

Guard: Please step away from the door. We do not wish to hurt you before incineration.

The Doctor: There must be a plan.
Clara: What if the plan is we're blowing up the floor for someone else? What if we're not supposed to make it out alive?
The Doctor: Don't be so... pessimistic. It'll affect team morale.
Clara: What, and getting us blown up won't?
The Doctor: Only very, very briefly.

Psi: Still don't understand why you're in charge.
The Doctor: Basically, it's the eyebrows.

The Doctor: Come on then, Team Not Dead.

The Doctor: My personal plan is that a thing will probably happen quite soon.
Saibra: So that's it, that's your plan?
The Doctor: Yup.
Saibra: A thing will happen?
The Doctor: A thing. Probably.

Clara: Do we have time?
The Doctor: Why not? There's no immediate threat. (the alarm goes off) Probably I should stop saying things like that.

Sabira: When you meet the Architect, promise me something. Kill him.
The Doctor: I can't make that promise.
Sabira: Oh. A good man. I left it late to meet one of those.

The Doctor: Hey. Give me a call sometime.
Karabraxos: You'll be dead.
The Doctor: Yeah, you'll be old, we'll get on famously. You'll be old and full of regret for the things you can't change.

The Doctor: Right, that's it. There are so many memories in here. Feast on them, tuck in. Big scarf, bow tie, bit embarrassing. What do you think of the new look? I was hoping for minimalism, but I think I came out with magician.

Clara: I've just realized. I'm going out for another meal now.
The Doctor: Don't worry. Calories consumed on the TARDIS have no lasting effect.
Clara: What? Are you kidding?
The Doctor: Of course I'm kidding. It's a time machine, not a miracle worker.

Quotes from "Listen" (Part 2)

The Doctor: What's going on with your face? it's all eyes. Why are you all eyes? Get them under control.

The Doctor: Last man standing in the universe. Always thought that would be me.
Clara: It's not a competition.
The Doctor: I know it's not a competition. Of course it isn't. Still time, though.

The Doctor: Listen!
Clara: To what?
The Doctor: Nothing. There's nothing to hear. There's nothing anywhere. Not a breath, not a sliver, not a click or a tick. Oh, the clock's stopped. This is the silence... at the end of time.

The Doctor: She's doing that whole eyes thing? It's because her face is so wide. She needs three mirrors. 

Clara: If everybody in the universe is dead, then there's nobody out there.
The Doctor: That's one way of looking at it.
Clara: What's the other?
The Doctor: That's a hell of a lot of ghosts. (the lights dim)
Clara: Do you have your own mood lighting now? Because frankly, the accent' is enough.

Clara: What's that?
The Doctor: What kind of explanation would you like?
Clara: A reassuring one.
The Doctor: Well, the systems are switching to low power. There are temperature differentials all over this ship. It's like... pipes banging when the heating goes off.
Clara: I always thought there was something in the pipes.
The Doctor: Me too.

The Doctor: Who were you having dinner with?
Clara: Are you making conversation?
The Doctor: I thought I would give it a try.

The Doctor: What's that in the mirror of the corner of your eye? What's that footstep following but never passing by? 

The Doctor: Perhaps they're all just waiting, perhaps when we're all dead, Out they'll come a-slithering, from underneath the bed.

Clara: So listen. If you listen to nothing else, listen to this. You're always going to be afraid. Even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like... a companion. A constant companion, always there. But that's okay. Because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home.

Quotes from "Listen" (Part 1)

The Doctor: Listen! Question: why do talk out loud when we know we're alone? Conjecture: because we know we're not. Evolution perfects survival skills. There are perfect hunters There is perfect defense. Question: why is there no such thing as perfect hiding? Answer: how would you know? Logically, if evolution were to perfect a creature whose primary skill were to hide from view, how would you know it existed? It could be with us every second and we would never know. How would you detect it? Even sense it? Except in those moments when for no clear reason, you choose to speak aloud. What would such a creature want? What would it do? Well? What would you do?

The Doctor: Why do you have three mirrors? Why don't you just turn your head?

The Doctor: I need you, for a thing.
Clara: I can't.
The Doctor: Oh, of course you can. Come on, you're free. More than usually free, in fact.
Clara: No, it's possible I might get a phone call.
The Doctor: From the date guy? Well, it's too late, you've taken your make-up off.
Clara: No. I haven't. I'm still wearing my make-up.
The Doctor: All right, you probably just missed a bit.

The Doctor: I think everybody at some point in their lives has the exact same nightmare. You wake up, or you think you do, and there's someone in the dark, someone close. Or you think there might be. So you sit up, turn on the light, and the room looks different at night. It ticks, creaks, and breathes. And you tell yourself there's nobody there. Nobody watching, nobody listening, nobody there, naturally. And you very nearly believe it. You really, really try. And then...

Clara: I've never been to Gloucester in my life. And I've never lived in a children's home.
The Doctor: You probably just forgot. Have you seen the size of a human brain? It's hilarious. Little you must be in here somewhere, with your little brain.

The Doctor: Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard I can feel it through your hands. There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel! Right now you could run faster and you can fight harder. You could jump higher then ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super-power. It's your super-power. There is danger in this room, and guess what? It's you. Do you feel it? Do you think he feels it? Do you think he's scared? Nah. Loser. Turn your back on him.

The Doctor: The deep and lovely dark. We'd never see the stars without it.

Clara: Gone?
The Doctor: Gone.
Rupert: He took my bedspread.
The Doctor: Ah, the human race. You're never happy, are you?

The Doctor: People don't need to be lied to.
Clara: People don't need to be scared by a big grey-haired stick insect, but here you are. Stay still, shut up. 

Clara: Is that what I look like from the back?
The Doctor: It's fine.
Clara: I was thinking it was good.
The Doctor: Really?

Quotes from "Into the Dalek"

The Doctor: I've materialized a time capsule exactly around you and saved your life, one second before your ship exploded. But do please keep crying.
Journey Blue: My brother just died.
The Doctor: And his sister didn't, you're very welcome.

(emerging from the TARDIS) 
Journey Blue: But it's smaller on the outside.
The Doctor: Yeah, it's a bit more exciting when you go the other way.

The Doctor: Wow. Moleculer nanoscaler.
Journey Blue: You know what it does, then?
The Doctor: It miniaturizes living matter. What's the medical application, though? Do you use it to shrink the surgeons so they can climb inside the patients:?
Colonel Morgan Blue: Exactly.
The Doctor: Fantastic idea for a movie. Terrible idea for a proctologist.

The Doctor: It's not my fault. I got distracted.
Clara: By what?
The Doctor: You can always find something.

The Doctor: You were smiling at nothing. I would almost say you were in love, but to be honest...
Clara: Honest?
The Doctor: You're not a young woman anymore.
Clara: Yes, I am.
The Doctor: Well, you don't look it.
Clara: I do look it.
The Doctor: Well, that's right, keep your spirits up. Clara Clara Clara Clara Clara. Clara Clara.

The Doctor: What do I pay you? I should give you a raise.
Clara: You're not my boss. You're one of my hobbies.

The Doctor: This is Gun Girl. She got a gun and she's a girl. This is sort of a boss one. The same one as before?
Colonel Morgan Blue: Yes.
The Doctor: I think he's probably her uncle but I may have made that up to pass the time when we're talking. This is Clara, not my assistant. She's, uh, some other word.
Clara: I'm his carer.
The Doctor: Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.

The Doctor: What are those ones for? I don't need armed babysitters.
Gretchen: We're not babysitters.
Ross: We're here to shoot you dead if you turn out to be a Dalek spy.
The Doctor: Well, that's a relief, I hate babysitters.

Clara: Any remarks about my hips will not be appreciated.
The Doctor: Ah, your hips are fine, you're built like a man.
Clara: Thanks.

The Doctor: Well, you know how I said this is the most dangerous place in the universe? I was wrong. It's way more dangerous than that.

Clara: That's it? Just like that?
The Doctor: An anti-climax once in a while is good for my heart.

The Doctor: All those years ago when I began, I was just running. I called myself the Doctor but it was just a name. Then I went to Skaro and I met your lot. And I understood who I was. The Doctor was not the Daleks.

Clara: How do I look?
The Doctor: Sort of short and roundish, but with a good personality which is the main thing.
Clara: I meant my clothes--I just changed.
The Doctor: Well, good for you, still making an effort.

Quotes from "Deep Breath" Part 1

(as a dinosaur walks through London) 
Inspector Gregson: Madame Vastra, thank God. I'll wager you've not seen anything like this before.
Madame Vastra: Well... not since I was a little girl.

Inspector Gregson: It's just laid an egg.
Madame Vastra: It dropped a blue box marked "Police" out of its mouth. Your grasp of biology troubles me.

Jenny: So it's him, then, the Doctor?
Madame Vastra: A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from outer space--this is not a day for jumping to conclusions.

The Doctor: Who invented this room?
Clara: Doctor, please, you have to lie down.
The Doctor: Doesn't make any sense, look, it's only got a bed there. Why is there only a bed in it?
Clara: Because it's a bedroom. It's for sleeping.
The Doctor: Okay, what do you do when you're awake?
Jenny: You leave the room.
The Doctor: So you've got a whole room for not being awake in. But what's the point, you're just missing the room? And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious.

Madame Vastra: I'm having difficulty sleeping.
The Doctor: Oh? Oh, well, I--I wouldn't bother with that. I never bother with sleeping, I just do standy-up catnaps.
Madame Vastra: Oh, really? How interesting. And--and when do you do those?
The Doctor: Well, generally whenever anyone starts talking. I like to skip ahead to my bit, it saves time. 

Madame Vastra: I love monkeys, they're so funny.
Jenny: Oh, I see. So people are monkeys now, are they?
Madame Vastra: No, dear. People are apes. Men are monkeys.

The Doctor: I am alone. The world which shook at my feet, and the trees, and the sky, have gone, and I am alone now. Alone.
Clara: Are you translating?
The Doctor: The wind bites now, and the world is grey, and I am alone here. Can't see me. Doesn't see me. Can't see me.
Clara: Who can't see it? I think all of London can see it.

Strax: May I take your coat?
Clara: Not wearing a coat.
Strax: What's all that?
Clara: Clothes.
Strax: May I take your clothes?
Clara: Probably not.
Strax: Are you wearing a hat?
Clara: It's hair!
Strax: Oh, I think it's a hat, would you like me to check?

Madame Vastra: But he is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold. He has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.

Madame Vastra: Jenny and I are married, yet for appearance's sake, we maintain a pretense, in public, that she is my maid.
Jenny: Doesn't exactly explain why I'm pouring tea in private.
Madame Vastra: Hush now.
Jenny: Good pretense, isn't it?

Clara: The Doctor. What's he doing here?
Madame Vastra: There is trouble. Where else would he be?

The Doctor: No, no, shut up! What do you all have for brains--pudding? Look at you. Why can't I meet a decent species? Planet of the pudding-brains!

Clara: You got the TARDIS, then?
Strax: Military tactics. The Doctor is still missing, but he will always come looking for his box. By bringing it here, he will be lured from the dangers of London to this place of safety, and we will melt him with acid.
Clara: Okay, that last part?
Strax: And we will not melt him with acid. Old habits.

Jenny: Meanwhile, Madam Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case, and is having the Camberwell child-poisoner for dinner.
Clara: For dinner?
Jenny: After she's finished interrogating him. Probably best to stay out the larder. It'll get a bit noisy in there later.