Quotes from "The Caretaker" (Part 2)

The Doctor: Oh, listen, there's the bell, off you go. Haven't you got shoplifting to do?
Courtney Woods: I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
The Doctor: Oh, yes, well, fine. Cut along, you're running out of time.
Courtney Woods: For what?
The Doctor: Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic. Tick tock, tick tock.
Courtney Woods: You're weird.
The Doctor: Yes, I am. What about you?
Courtney Woods: I'm a disruptive influence.
The Doctor: Good to meet you.
Courtney Woods: And you.
The Doctor: Now get lost.
Courtney Woods: Okay.

The Doctor: Now, I imagine you've many questions. Fire away, I won't answer any of them.

The Doctor: Why do I keep you around?
Clara: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.

Clara: You're invisible. Oh, my God, that's incredible!
The Doctor: Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible.

The Doctor: I'll see you tomorrow. We'll go somewhere nice. Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis. They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence.

Danny: How stupid do you think I am?
The Doctor: I'm willing to put a number on it.

Danny: He's...your dad. Your space dad.
The Doctor: Oh...genius. That is really, really brilliant reasoning. How can you think I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age?
Clara: We do not look the same age.
The Doctor: I was being kind.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.
The Doctor: I am not an officer!
Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.
The Doctor: Out. Now.
Danny: Right away, sir? Straight now?
The Doctor: Yes.
Danny: Am I dismissed?
The Doctor: Yes, you are!
Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.

Danny: You're using her like a decoy?
The Doctor: No, not like a decoy. As a decoy. Don't they teach you anything at stupid school?
Danny: Well, is there anything I can do?
The Doctor: Yes, yes, and this is very, very important. Leave us alone!

Quotes from "The Caretaker" (Part 1)

Clara: There's no way out of this. We're gonna die here.
The Doctor: Pass me the vibrocutters.
Clara: They're in my pocket.
The Doctor: Come on, then, pass it to me.
Clara: In my other jacket. At home.
The Doctor: Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?
Clara: Look, I don't have the vibrocutters. If I had the vibrocutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibrocutters. We're going to starve to death out here.
The Doctor: Of course we won't starve. The sand piranhas will get us long before that.

Clara: So, where we off to?
The Doctor: Clara, you... look lovely today. Have you had a wash?
Clara: Why you being nice?
The Doctor: Because it works on you.

Clara: You're being mysterious, and do you know what that means?
The Doctor: I'm a man of mystery.
Clara: Hmm. It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid. Where are you going?
The Doctor: Undercover. Deep cover.
Clara: Can you do deep cover?
The Doctor: What do you mean?
Clara: Have you seen you?
The Doctor: Of course I can do deep cover!
Clara: Where? The Magic Circle?

Clara: You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
The Doctor: I lived among otters once for a month. Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight...
Clara: Human beings are not otters!
The Doctor: Exactly, it'll be even easier.

The Doctor: Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
Clara: This is Mr Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
The Doctor: Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time. She was so busy...
Clara: Oh, I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
The Doctor: No, I read the book. There's a bio in the back.

The Doctor: Can't you read?
Courtney Woods: Course I can read. Read what?
The Doctor: The door. It says, "Keep Out."
Courtney Woods: No, it says, "Go Away Humans."
The Doctor: Oh, so it does. Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.