Quotes from "End of the Road"

Olivia Colasanto: He talked about you all the time, Jack. His immortal man in old New York. He never forgot.
Rex: You telling me the whole world got screwed because two gay guys had a hissy fit?
Gwen: Rex, get back in your cave.

Olivia Colasanto: You inspired him. You proved immortality was possible, and he devoted the rest of his life to finding out how to live forever.
Jack: And he did it. He's still alive, he's still young?
Olivia Colasanto: Oh yes, he's still alive. Angelo Colasanto is still alive. But he's not young. My grandfather waited all this time to live forever. And his wish came true. Too late.

Olivia Colasanto: You must be horrified.
Jack: Why would you say that?
Olivia Colasanto: He's grown so old.
Jack: That's how I see the whole world. He's still young compared to me.

Allen Shapiro: People seem to be talking over me, which is fascinating and rare. And forbidden. I'll come back to you.

Allen Shapiro: So these are the Torchwood clowns?
Gwen: Torchwood did more to piece this together than the entire C.I.A.
Allen Shapiro: You're that English girl, Cooper. Have I got that right?
Gwen: No, I'm not English and I'm not a girl.

Rex: Sir, sir, with all due respect, Gwen Cooper has proven herself to be extremely useful. I think it's worth keeping her on our side.
Allen Shapiro: Did you sleep with her?
Gwen: Pardon me?!?
Rex: No sir, I did not.
Allen Shapiro: Because most women that bitter, you slept with.

Allen Shapiro: (to Jack) And what is it with you, Red Baron? Is Snoopy up your ass? (everyone snickers)
Gwen: That's funny.

Rex: Well, Brian Friedkin's a Category 1, the economy's going into a freefall, and one man died. So, how was your day?
Noah Vickers: Welcome back, Rex. Things were kind of quiet without you.

Allen Shapiro: You making a personal call, Drummond?
Esther: No. Sorry, sir.
Charlotte Wills: Is that Mr. Shapiro? You tell him, "Yes, it's personal. Yes, it's important. And yes his wife called. And I sent her flowers on his behalf."
Allen Shapiro: Charlotte Wills. Bane of my life.

Jilly Kitzinger: First I'm trying to set up a joint appearance for you with Madison Wheatley. She's the Bisected Bride. You know, car accident sheared off everything below the bikini line. Got married a week later, propped up on a box. Basically she's made up of positive thinking and colostomy bags.

Jilly Kitzinger: Shawnie Yamaguchi.
Shawnie: That is correct.
Jilly Kitzinger: Go get me a sandwich. Tomato and Swiss on sourdough. And see how well you cope with that. Then you can find me a prostitute.
Shawnie: I'm sorry?
Jilly Kitzinger: Start with the sandwich.

Allen Shapiro: This is a hell of a lot better than nicotine gum, let me tell you. You know what the rumor is from Washington? If cancer cells are immortal, well, then the Miracle switched them around and made them just plain mortal. They're keeping it quiet in case there's an outbreak of spontaneous joy. I mean we can't have that. But it means we've got nothing to worry about. We can smoke our way into the next Great Depression.

Allen Shapiro: Well, I'm sorry, Miss Cooper, but from this moment on, Torchwood is defunct. You will be removed from American soil immediately, and God help Great Britain.

Quotes from "Escape to L.A."

Gwen: Wow, look at the horizon. We've reached the edge of America.
Jack: It's been decades since I've seen the Pacific. Must be about 70 years.
Esther: Are you kidding me, you say things like that?
Jack: Oh-ho-ho. I wonder.

Landlord: I don't suppose it's any good asking who you are.
Jack: We're traveling circus folk.
Rex: Yeah, and he's the clown.
Gwen: I'm the bearded woman but I've shaved.
Jack: Yeah, you missed a bit.

Landlord: By the way, if you get hungry, there's a cafe on the corner that does a guava jalapeno cheese tart that's just fabulous. Laters.
Rex: Fabulous? What is it with you? You make everybody around you gay?
Jack: That's the plan.

Gwen: No, you know what Torchwood's like. It's terrible. I mean, we're living in this... shed thing. And there's no electricity, there's no water, it's dark and cold and damp.
Rhys: I thought it was boiling hot in Los Angeles all year round.
Gwen: Yeah, well, they lied, Rhys, they lied.

Gwen: Anyway, so how's my little girl?
Rhys: Don't call me that, Gwen.
Gwen: You're very funny.

Jack: George Eliot wrote this chapter in Middlemarch. She said that if you take a piece of metal with random scratches written all over and hold a flame up to the metal, the scratches look like they're forming patterns, circling around the light. And that's Oswald. He's blazing away, and patterns are starting to revolve around him and all we have to do is keep watching.

Jilly Kitzinger: Listen, clear the schedule. It is Oswald 24-7 from here on out. Dr. Juarez!
Dr. Vera Juarez: This is disgusting.
Jilly Kitzinger: I know!

Gwen: Who the hell are you?
The Gentleman: Names aren't important right now.
Gwen: Oh, great, he's cryptic.

The Gentleman: It's got to be said Miracle Day has hardly been advantageous for those in my line of work-- the day the killing stopped. But I can't tell you, Jack, how wonderful it is, how truly wonderful it is to meet somebody who's mortal. It's my holy grail.
Gwen: If he's the only one that can die, then it's in your interest to keep him alive.
The Gentleman: That's exactly what I'm doing. Haven't you noticed the absence of killing?

Gwen: He was just about to tell us.
Rex: Thanks? Anybody? Thanks?
Gwen: And you shot him in the throat!
Rex: Well, dead is dead.

Jack: Thanks again for saving my ass yesterday.
Rex: I was saving her ass. You were just gravy.

Quotes from "Dead of Night"

Rex: We both know I can't "kill" you. But you see, the beauty of this miracle is, if I shoot you just right, maybe you'll live in agony for, who knows how long, maybe a thousand years? Now you think about that. Because I've always wondered what part of the brain is memories, or personality, or... what lets you control your own bladder.

Gwen: And food, everybody is panicked by. So I had to go to the petrol station and all they had was crisps.
Esther: Oh, I think you mean "gas station" and "chips." Crisps are called "chips" over here.
Gwen: Thank you, Mrs. Translation.

Jack: You should be in the hospital.
Gwen: Hey, less of the sympathy. He can keep working, the bastard.
Rex: You're gonna keep just going on and on about your kid, huh? Do you want her here with us? Hmm? Maybe she can go play in that corner where the lead paint chips look, uh, extra tasty.

Gwen: And this lemonade--this lemonade is flat.
Esther: It's lemonade, it's supposed to be flat.
Gwen: What, fizzy fizzy lemonade?
Esther: It's fizzy in the UK and flat in the U.S.
Gwen: Hmm, just about sums it up.

Rex: All right, so we've got a mission. First thing we need to do is steal a new car.
Jack: Uh, hm-mm. So who's giving the orders?
Rex: Okay, Torchwood. What do you say?
Jack: We need to steal a new car.

Rex: There's somebody's dry-cleaning back here. And it's my size. I'm taking these. My clothes are stinking. Ladies, avert your eyes. That includes you, World War II.
Jack: See, these new phones aren't bad. The camera's good quality, too.
Rex: I know you didn't just take a picture of me changing my pants.
Gwen: You're changing your pants?
Esther: Pants mean trousers.

Esther: (seeing Gwen knock out a guard) You've done that before.
Gwen: So many times.

Dr. Murphy: No baby is a mistake.
Dr. Vera Juarez: What hospital are you from?
Dr. Murphy: Providence. Dr. Carey Murphy.
Dr. Vera Juarez: Yeah, I was a Catholic too once. I got better.

Jack: My arm is itching.
Gwen: Poor baby.
Jack: I think it's infected.
Gwen: You know you're worse than Rhys. It's itching because it's healing. Now stop it, Jack.

Jilly Kitzinger: Now we have a very important meeting to go to. So you can get cleaned up on the plane to Dulles.
Oswald: Dulles, why?
Jilly Kitzinger: These are the times that make men, Oswald. So it's your choice. Stay where you are, or stand up tall and stride across the skin of the world. Which is it?

Jack: I'm loving this hangover. I knew mortality would make life more intense. Ow!
Rex: Hey, don't touch my pills. I need that for legitimate pain.
Jack: I need them too.
Rex: You weren't impaled.
Jack: You should have seen the other guy. Oh, that face. Rex doesn't like his jokes too gay.
Rex: No, Rex doesn't like men in their 40s acting like they're 20.
Gwen: Oh, we've got a winner. Now hush.